Life living with narcissism and alcoholism person

There was a time when I looked in the mirror and honestly did not know who I was anymore. I have said this in many blogs. It’s true and if you had to live it, I am sorry. For those who have not been thankful. Because it is truly hell.

If his family ever reads this it might surprise them. If my children who are grown men will understand most of it.  You completely lose yourself. The way you feel doesn’t matter anymore. You stop doing the things you enjoyed. We moved from Oklahoma to Missouri because he said he was transferred from his bank. He was never transferred; it was to get me away from everyone I knew, friends and family. We drove straight through expect to stop and get gas. I would tell him I need to feed the baby (our oldest) . He told me to figure it out. So here I am breast feeding and driving because he would not stop. I got a job at first because I was used to working and we were living with his parents and they helped a lot with the kids. I had an accident one day on the way home. It was raining and I was in the middle lane and a semi in the slow lane. A car in the fast lane hydroplaned and hit my car, spun my car around and I was on the side of the road when I stopped. I called him and I will never forget the first words was to me, “Is the car drivable?” Never once did he ask if I was okay, not even when he showed up on the scene. You become so focused on avoiding problems and keeping the peace making sure everything is clean, dishes are done, laundry is done and put away. The best part was making sure dinner was ready for him when came home. However, you never knew when that was because he would never text or call you. The people he worked with thought “I was a figment of his imagination.” They said to me one day I came in with kids in tow. That did not go over well. 

Little by little, I became someone I did not recognize.

I started questioning everything about myself. My feelings, my choices, even my own memories. They will have you remove (burn) anything from your past. When you plan anything for the family it cannot interfere with what they want to do. So, all zoo trips had to be before the golf tournament would start or a different day. I remember after numerous calls to him that he would not answer. Taking my youngest to the doctor because he was having trouble breathing. It was diagnosed as croup and his asthma together acting up, he received breathing treatments. I called again, He answered and said this better be important. I was pissed at this time and said I believe your son at the hospital receiving breathing treatments is important. He replied, “Is he okay? I said yes, he is now. He ended the call with then this wasn’t important. My oldest did not like sports just was not his thing. He would make him stay outside and play catch until he caught 10 in a row before he would allow him to come inside the house. Once it hit his nail and blood was forming on the nail for a small child these hurts. He refused to take him to the ER. He warmed up a sewing needle and pushed through his nail. He would record all phone calls only allowed by land line. I remember I would memorize the grocery store and make my grocery list by aisle. I knew the cost per each item. When I started thinking about leaving I would cut the coupons and ask for x amount of money and save back a few dollars each time.

 He was known for handing me a $20 bill for diapers and milk and asking for the change and the receipt when I returned. I used the gas from the lawn mower to put gas in my van so I could take the kids places. He would arsenic on the yard to kill the weeds because that is what golf courses used and he had received some from a friend. 

This is the very yard his kids would play in. I could not finish my degree because everytime I would go to leave he would tell the kids mom would rather go to school than be with you and of course my kids would start crying “mommy don’t leave us” So I stopped going. 

 The oldest child was having issues in school and the teacher recommended having him tested for ADHD. So I took him to our family physician, who we have been seeing for years only for my husband to tell me he is qualified to make that diagnosis. So we had to go see a neurologist. As the kids got older he started allowing me to work. This was a great thing. 

I thought when I left things for the boys would get better. He fought for 50/50 custody not because he wanted his kids, he just did not want to pay for them. He would pick and choose through the expenses he wanted to pay for. He would threaten like I will take them and you will never see them again.  Taking my life back did not happen overnight. The first time he came to pick up the boys was the hardest time. He had my youngest over his shoulder and he was crying screaming mommy over and over. And then  he would come to pick up the boys and sit on my porch and play with them and I would ask him to leave. As he noticed I would get agitated at him he would tell me they have medicine for that. My current husband had not seen the other side of him just yet. He did not understand me saying I am sorry all the time. I had 2 pairs of shoes when I moved in, a couple pairs of pants and a few shirts and the bedroom set he gave me as a birthday present solid oak.  That was it, I did not want to take anything that would disrupt my kids life. We lived in a subdivision next to each other so it was about 3 streets away. 

So I am at work one day. My husband is not home, and my ex calls to tell me to open my front door before he kicks it in, I said I am not home. He states our youngest is inside and he did something and needs to be punished. He is yelling and screaming at me. I tell my work I have to leave and why. I speed home from downtown Sr. Charles to Ofallon. Meanwhile I had called my husband. He was not close to the house either but he would head that way. I then called his ex wife who also lives fairly close and was a 911 dispatcher for Ofallon police dept. She calls 911 and has the police come out. He had locked all the storm doors so no one could get in the house. My husband shows up and my ex is in the street with the police. The police and my husband, who had a key to the garage, went inside calling for him and looking everywhere. They found him hiding under his step brother’s bed crying. When I finally arrive the police explain everything to me. However they feel like my ex is going to try to come back so they place two police cars outside our house for the next couple of hours to make sure. Now this is one of so many more to come. 

He was mad my oldest would not clean his room at his house so he went in and dumped all his stuff including his dresser and blocked the basement so he could not come up. In days to come he turned the lock around so it locked from the top and not from the basement so he could lock him down there anytime. One thing is a walkout basement. So my son would just leave and come to my house. 

He lived in a two story house walkout basement. His current girlfriend has younger kids than ours so he put our son in the basement and hers upstairs with them. There are three bedrooms upstairs so there was no reason for him to be in the basement. He was young, probably around 3.5-4 years old. He came upstairs to tell his father he had wet the bed. His father told him that okay, just go back to bed. At this age kids don’t sleep without underwear so this upset him and he started crying so his father threatened to spank hom if he did not go back to bed. My son called me, I tried calling my ex however he would not answer the phone. So I drove over and my son did not have any pants on. I yelled my ex husband’s name so many times from the bottom of those stairs and his bedroom door was open. I knew he could hear me. I told my son to go to your room and get some underwear. He said I can’t have a baby gate up. I continued to scream my ex husband’s name all the way to the top of the stairs. I took that baby gate down and told my son you go get some underwear. I placed the gate back and took my son. As I was pulling out of the driveway he opened the front door and saw me. I took my son home and put him to bed and he fell fast asleep. About 45 mins later I got a knock at my door from a nice sheriff. He asked who I was and if I had just been over to xxxyz address. I responded yes officer I was and I picked up my son. He asked me why I explained the entire thing to him. I even said I can go wake him up so you can talk to him if I need to. He said that is not needed and he explained he probably would have done the same thing however please call for a police stand by next time because I should be arresting you for trespassing right now. However, he is not pressing any charges. He claimed all he saw was a van pulling out of his driveway and his child was gone and it possible could have been you. He then informed me when you pick up your kids do not pull in the driveway that is trespassing on his property and he can get you that way too. He told me to just be careful and have a good day. 

There is more……To Be Continued.